Last week a family member shared some upsetting news, and I just lost it. I couldn’t be “strong” or “hold it together.” So, I did what I do when I need healing – I took a walk, even though it was late and dark outside.
I started thinking about all the things that were tilted in my life, from the pandemic to the news I had just heard. I was getting more and more upset wondering what to do until suddenly, out of nowhere, three words popped into my head.
I don’t know.
In the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the Greek father often would shrug his shoulders about things beyond his control and lament “I don’t know.”
I decided to try it out. When will the pandemic end? I don’t know. When will I be able to feel safe eating in a restaurant? I don’t know. How will my business and creativity be affected? I don’t know.
I started thinking about how I was even confused about what makes me happy right now. I thought I knew what it was, but I’ve not been so clear of late. When that happens, I feel scared. It’s a loss of control and surety. Yet in this moment, I didn’t feel worried at all. I let out a big exhale and almost shouted the words aloud I don’t know! Immediately, I felt better.
It felt like surrendering the steering wheel to something much bigger. Suddenly, I didn’t have to hold it all together. To control or plan things. To exhaust myself trying fruitlessly to bend life to my will. To have the right answer. Or the wrong one. I simply don’t know.
It also felt truthful. Incredibly so. I realized how many times I tell myself that I know what will happen next, how I’ll react, what I’ll do… when ultimately I have no idea. Often that thought terrifies me. But this time, it didn’t feel like a fear but a complete, glorious surrender. Finally, I could rest in the present moment.
As I walked through the darkness, the half-moon glinting between the trees, crickets chirping, the sound of the breeze swaying the leaves, I felt held. Loved. Deeply connected.
I also heard through the moonlight the whisper of mystery, and the expansiveness that comes with not knowing. When I’m in this place, my mind lets go rather than hoarding painful thoughts and imaginings. Possibilities are limitless. I get out of the way and life has a chance to surprise me, delight me, or grow me in ways I didn’t imagine, but ultimately needed.
As I rounded the bend towards home, I was almost weeping with the freedom of those three words. As for what’s next, all I know is that, I don’t know. Thank goodness…
What are you ready to admit you don’t know in this moment? Whisper it, shout it, or write it in the comments section at the bottom of this page!
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Creative Soul Summer Oasis Circles
Weekly throughout June, 2020
Online with Zoom
Let’s start with “I don’t know” and go from there. It’s time to really listen to our inner wisdom, to sync up with our rhythms, to remember what matters most in this ever shifting landscape. Usually my popular women’s circles are only offered in person, but a silver lining is a chance for YOU to participate regardless of location. If you’ve been wanting to connect with other conscious, creative women and more importantly yourself, join us! All the details are HERE.
Creativity and Writing Retreat in Taos, New Mexico
with Carolyn Scarborough and Sharon Zeugin
Mabel Dodge Luhan House, Taos, NM
April 4 to 9, 2021
The Mabel Dodge Luhan House
Taos, New Mexico
Unwind underneath the big skies and tap into your most alive, inspired and creative self. Join us at the Mabel Dodge Luhan house in Taos, New Mexico … a place that became a creative hub, drawing literary and artistic luminaries from Georgia O’Keeffe to D.H. Lawrence.
It is an inspired place that calls the weary spirit to rest and revitalize, making it the perfect place for our Spring Retreat in Taos. Amidst the mountains and vast skies, essential pieces of your creative soul return. And as you move deeper into presence, creative energies begin to percolate. You pick up a paintbrush and what is true begins to flow through it. You sit under a cottonwood tree and your pen beckons with inner stories waiting to be told. Soon, your natural creativity is flowing again as you rediscover yourself as artist, writer, free spirit, inspired human… Details here.