Sigh, I’m blocked. This blog and other writing has been on my to-do list, but when I try to sit down and write, the feeling is “blech.” No interest. I’d rather clean toilets.
For the past couple of weeks, my writing was the stone I kicked down the road instead of picking up. I would see it, and then find about 100 other things to do instead, some necessary, some frivolous (did you know that rhinos have been around for 50 million years? True fact!)
But this morning, I got tired of kicking the writing stone down the leaf-lined streets of my imagination. The energy drain of not doing it simply became too heavy.
So I got a cup of tea, took back the “putting it off” energy and channeled it into writing energy.
First there was the circling, like a dog getting its bed ready, and negotiating. Yes, Carolyn, you may do 10 minutes of needed but easy tasks first, like looking up a photo of a new client to recognize her when we meet and scanning Craigslist for sit/stand desks. These easy tasks, with a time limit, calm my mind.
Then I sat down and felt the resistance and some emotional pain in my chest. I took 5 minutes to just notice and be with it. Ahhhhh….
I often write by my front window, so I looked out at the clouds… and noticed how dirty the glass was. Why, I can’t write if I have to gaze out at the clouds through smudged glass, I reasoned. So I jumped up, went outside and scraped off the bigger pieces of grass and dirt that had gotten stuck after my husband’s last mowing.
By the time I came back in, my tea was cold. I had to reheat it.
Okay, back in chair.
More deep breathing. Oh wait, I have a client call in an hour (yes, time is ticking away), I need to set my timer because if I’m in a writing reverie the time will come and go and I will miss it. Oh dear!
Okay, timer set. Hmmm, now I feel tired. Another sign of resistance. Instead, I do some deep breathing and light an invigorating grapefruit-scented candle.
Tea is getting cold again, better heat it up.
And on and on…
Okay, sitting again, and despite all the ups and downs – or maybe because of them – I am sinking into that writing space more and more. My heart is opening. A woman just sat on the bench in front of our house and I feel inexplicable love for her. And for everyone going by the house on bikes and in baby buggies.
I think that is because, as I prepare to write, I am also coming home to myself. Settling into the love and calm inspiration that resides there.
How easy this is to forget when I am busy jumping away from myself with distractions and other activities. How easy it is to make up a story about how hard it will be to write, and why bother, when what’s waiting for me is… me.
Finally, I write. I will come back and edit and polish another time, but I notice my body feels calm and grateful. I am back in my own skin. Fully alive. I could have gotten a cleaner floor in the past hour, but I got something so much better — a more connected, happier me connected to what matters. And the energy I used to resist writing, I can now use for something more fun – like kicking an actual stone down a beautiful country lane…
What does your writing resistance look like… and how do you overcome it? Click here and then share your thoughts in the comments section at the bottom of the blog.
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Mabel Dodge Luhan House
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Good morning, Carolyn and all other aspiring blocked writers. Your description is absolutely perfect and very timely for me. I got up this morning, allowing time to journal and then get ready for work at my office where I’m a psychotherapist. I’m frequently trying to get to the root of this resistance and then realize, through your prompting and others, that this avoidance, or whatever we want to call it, is a common experience for many of us, maybe most of us. I also find that I finally get sick of the inner voice criticizing me for not writing, and then I get to hear the inner voice’s criticism of what Im doing. I think for me, the language I would use would be that of the “super ego”. It wants to be in charge of creating the reasons why I shouldn’t write, like I’m not good enough, what’s the point, where am I going with this, anyway? And, then it wants to take ownership of it once I do start writing, and attempts to tell me how to write, what’s good, what isn’t and on and on into the rabbit hole of self denial. For me, I just have to sit down, sit down and allow all of things to wait, which is hardest for me. Just sit down, sit down, feel my body, my feet and hands, my breath – and allow the space to open up into that vast place of flow and creation. Sometimes it works!!
Beautifully and insightfully said, Evita. And I agree, we get tired of that inner critic voice and finally move forward. One of my favorite lines from your post – “Just sit down, sit down, feel my body, my feet and hands, my breath – and allow the space to open up into that vast place of flow and creation.” I can feel the deep truth in that!
I swear you have taken over my body, my heart, and my brain with your description of how to NOT write. You have also helped me (yet again) to not scold myself for my behavioral patterns which, if I honored them, actually work quite well. I love your statement, “I think that is because, as I prepare to write, I am also coming home to myself. Settling into the love and calm inspiration that resides there.”
And now, I’ll go write. Thanks, C.
We are fellow writing travelers and yes, embracing ALL of it (much as we forget that) is always the answer. And it seems the “not writing” is on the road to the “writing.” Welcome home…